| 1 |
9 |
 |
Kurt Busch |
He got shoved up against a wall by an older, stronger kid. And that was in high school two years ago. |
| 2 |
1 |
 |
Matt Kenseth |
His car looked like Buckshot Jones’ car after the race. Except he finished eighth instead of 38th. |
| 3 |
3 |
 |
Tony Stewart |
No controversy. No frowns. No curt statements. No fun! |
| 4 |
10 |
 |
Dale Earnhardt Jr. |
And the souvenir sales pick up again! |
| 5 |
8 |
 |
Michael Waltrip |
The more commercials he makes, the better he runs. |
| 6 |
5 |
 |
Ryan Newman |
Old outside pole sitters never die. They just fade away. |
| 7 |
2 |
 |
Bobby Labonte |
His car is like Michael Jackson’s face. It keeps getting wrecked by other people. |
| 8 |
4 |
 |
Jimmie Johnson |
SESA. Sterling. Engine. Sterling Again. |
| 9 |
4 |
 |
Jeff Gordon |
He had a date with victory lane, but the wall decided to come along too. |
| 10 |
16 |
 |
Mark Martin |
Fortunately, Boomtown wasn’t a rerun this week. |
| 11 |
21 |
 |
Dave Blaney |
Can you imagine what’s going through this guy’s mind on the final lap? Wreck, you idiots! No! I meant both of you! |
| 12 |
20 |
 |
Ricky Craven |
He was the victor in the closest finish in NASCAR history. What? You thought he was going to make Trivial Pursuit for a win at Martinsville? |
| 7 |
13 |
 |
Sterling Marlin |
He got paired with Jimmie Johnson for Married by America, but word has it that he booted him off the show. |
| 14 |
17 |
 |
Elliott Sadler |
You got a permit to be burning tires, son? |
| 15 |
12 |
 |
Johnny Benson |
There was a character in Gone in 60 Seconds named Johnny B, except his car blew up in the movie. No word on whether Johnny B had a Roush Racing engine. |
| 16 |
11 |
 |
Jeff Burton |
Chain smoker. |
| 17 |
13 |
 |
Dale Jarrett |
Just let me have my lap back, Jeff. |
| 18 |
19 |
 |
Joe Nemechek |
If he had finished a couple positions higher at Darlington, he’d be the highest Hendrick Motorsports driver in the standings. Of course, if Sterling Marlin and Jimmie Johnson didn’t play bumper cars every week, we wouldn’t be forced to do stupid math to equate what Nemechek had to do to be best among Hendrick’s four teams. |
| 19 |
15 |
 |
Ricky Rudd |
If this team ever starts qualifying well, they’ll be tough. |
| 20 |
14 |
 |
Kevin Harvick |
The real reason they switched the paint scheme to silver? It matches all that duct tape. |
| 21 |
18 |
 |
Steve Park |
Was on TV more during commercial breaks (once) than in the actual race. Which means he kept his car out of the many wrecks. |
| 22 |
NR |
 |
Bill Elliott |
Ran really well in Strom Thurmond’s home state, which is really impressive, considering he’s nearly half Strom’s age. |
| 23 |
23 |
 |
Rusty Wallace |
His favorite show must be 60 Minutes, because that is how long he stayed on the lead lap at Darlington. Favorite track coming up this week. |
| 24 |
25 |
 |
Greg Biffle |
Outstanding finish for a rookie at Darlington. |
| 23 |
25 |
 |
Jimmy Spencer |
It’s Bristol week! Kurt Busch changes paint schemes a lot. He might want to change it for this week to confuse Jimmy. |
